Okay, I'm probably going to step on some toes now, maybe even stomp on the feet of some....but it's worth the risk. Remember, I'm just one person on a journey with Jesus...
Perfectionism. As a recovering addict, I can speak with some measure of authority. Jesus kicked me in the butt some years ago when He told me that "perfectionism" is not a character quality given by Him. He did not "wire" me to be a "perfectionist." Rather, He created me to be one who appreciates excellence and gives attention to detail. However, anything that causes my source of peace and identity to be in something other than Jesus, CANNOT be given to me by my Father. My experience with perfectionism was one of unrest, striving, insecurity and self-condemnation. Sound familiar?
So why is it that we allow this gift of determination and thoroughness to be misdirected into something that steals so much of life, so many of the fruits of the spirit from us?! I really think it goes back to this identity thing and a lack of revelation of how much we are loved by our Daddy JUST BECAUSE of who we are! It's one thing to find pleasure and satisfaction in the things we were created to do. But I believe a line is crossed (into "perfectionism") when our ability to "successfully" execute those things defines our own measure of success and confidence. If I can't even approve of myself in those times, how can I receive approval and unconditional love from my Daddy!?
One practical way this plays out in my life is my attempt to be intentional about not apologizing to others for the state of my house. Why does it matter? Really, I'm concerned about what they will think of me since I have already judged myself harshly as a failure in keeping my house neat. Instead, I quietly remind myself of the things that matter eternally and then allow Jesus to tell me what HE thinks about me. I know in my head that He sees me as righteous, but sometimes it's nice to hear it again....and again...and again.....I'm a little thick sometimes :-) So if you come in my house and find me apologizing for it's state of being, hopefully it's only because I am truly concerned for your safety as you traverse over and around the toys, laundry, craft scraps and dust bunnies (they are pretty soft, though! :-)
Ahh, the journey continues. Help me Jesus!
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Deep, Deep Well
I am so convinced that this revelation of the Father's love that is available goes far deeper than our minds can fathom. I have realized why I personally would much rather that Daddy just tell me what to do when I am at a crossroads. If He tells me which way to go and I do it, then I can be confident that I am approved by Him and that I am pleasing to Him. Another indication that my identity, in part, has been wrapped up in something other than Him AND that my revelation of HIS identity is not complete (right on, "Iam4 Jesus")! It's sooo not about making a right or wrong decision that determines His love or my identity. He created me for relationship, covenant relationship. He was not looking for puppets to prance around thoughtlessly on His stage of earth. True covenant relationship requires risk! Or should I say, "faith"!? The good news is the He remains the same as does His love. AND my identity does not have to shift with the changing of the seasons and directions of life.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
This Identity Thing
So I have been stewing on this topic of identity lately. The Lord has been setting me free of an "identity crisis" that I didn't know I had! The following is a raw spewing of sorts, in my attempt to verbalize the start of a revelation I am coming on to. So tie a knot and hang on...as always, it will be a fun ride!
If I struggle with something the Lord asks me to do or a change He asks me to make, how many times is the struggle rooted in an identity crisis? I'm starting to think this wrestling happens many times because my identity and security is wrapped up, in part, in something other than Jesus. Let's say He tells me to do something that is other than what I had already deemed was THE BEST way or choice or method, etc. I could feel as though the "other than" that He is asking of me is actually "less than." Could this be because I placed some of my personal value in my definition of THE BEST?
Do I have a hard time accepting that God is "in" something because it is "less than" THE BEST and surely He wouldn't love me as much? Most of us would deny that His love is conditional as such, but do our choices for security and identity reflect a true heart revelation of His love? Hmm...
If I struggle with something the Lord asks me to do or a change He asks me to make, how many times is the struggle rooted in an identity crisis? I'm starting to think this wrestling happens many times because my identity and security is wrapped up, in part, in something other than Jesus. Let's say He tells me to do something that is other than what I had already deemed was THE BEST way or choice or method, etc. I could feel as though the "other than" that He is asking of me is actually "less than." Could this be because I placed some of my personal value in my definition of THE BEST?
Do I have a hard time accepting that God is "in" something because it is "less than" THE BEST and surely He wouldn't love me as much? Most of us would deny that His love is conditional as such, but do our choices for security and identity reflect a true heart revelation of His love? Hmm...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Relationship
To delve a little deeper into the topic of my last post, let me share a personal experience that has really taken my understanding of "relationship" with Jesus to a whole new level.
It was shortly after the birth of our 5th child, Timothy. My husband and I had been discussing whether or not we felt like our family was complete and how in the world we would ever come to such an impacting decision. I grew up in Jesus with the mindset that whatever He wanted, I wanted, no matter what. "What a great attitude!", you might think. I won't deny that this commitment has saved me from many dark roads. But what about when He turns the table and says, "no, whatever you want is what I want!" This is exactly what I was hearing while I was torturing myself (and my husband) with the pressure of making the "right" decision about children.
So what did I want exactly? I knew I was ready to give my body a break and stop subjecting my family to the "take a number!" syndrome of my limited energy, time and patience. There had certainly been a huge measure of grace and provision in every way during this season of birthing children; and I am continually amazed that I get to be the mom of such amazing children! But as many of you know who have watched me grow and shrink every year and asked me "isn't it about time for another?", it has been a looong season. I wanted to have strength and energy again to chase them around, carry them to bed, wrestle on the floor, etc. More importantly, I longed to have some measure of patience again, to easily take the time to pray with them and ask them what Jesus was showing them. I was ready to focus more on investing in my children, for eternity. So here I was, crying all these things out to my Daddy in a blubbering, hormonal, post-partium state, when I really sensed that His pleasure was in my pleasure! As He is often so gracious to do, He began to reveal a truth to me through the earthly relationship with which I am most familiar.
In my relationship with my husband, how pleasing would it be for him if I only ever did what he wanted me to do? So much of his delight is in seeing me laugh, rest, rejoice and enjoy! It seems we were made to be fulfilled in serving each other. Covenant means giving relentlessly and unconditionally. I would be robbing Brian of a huge blessing by not allowing him to serve me. We were made for relationship! Giving and giving and giving, but also receiving. We cannot give what we cannot receive. The Bible says that we love only because God first loved us. I feel that way about Brian. He loves the love out of me!
It was shortly after the birth of our 5th child, Timothy. My husband and I had been discussing whether or not we felt like our family was complete and how in the world we would ever come to such an impacting decision. I grew up in Jesus with the mindset that whatever He wanted, I wanted, no matter what. "What a great attitude!", you might think. I won't deny that this commitment has saved me from many dark roads. But what about when He turns the table and says, "no, whatever you want is what I want!" This is exactly what I was hearing while I was torturing myself (and my husband) with the pressure of making the "right" decision about children.
So what did I want exactly? I knew I was ready to give my body a break and stop subjecting my family to the "take a number!" syndrome of my limited energy, time and patience. There had certainly been a huge measure of grace and provision in every way during this season of birthing children; and I am continually amazed that I get to be the mom of such amazing children! But as many of you know who have watched me grow and shrink every year and asked me "isn't it about time for another?", it has been a looong season. I wanted to have strength and energy again to chase them around, carry them to bed, wrestle on the floor, etc. More importantly, I longed to have some measure of patience again, to easily take the time to pray with them and ask them what Jesus was showing them. I was ready to focus more on investing in my children, for eternity. So here I was, crying all these things out to my Daddy in a blubbering, hormonal, post-partium state, when I really sensed that His pleasure was in my pleasure! As He is often so gracious to do, He began to reveal a truth to me through the earthly relationship with which I am most familiar.
In my relationship with my husband, how pleasing would it be for him if I only ever did what he wanted me to do? So much of his delight is in seeing me laugh, rest, rejoice and enjoy! It seems we were made to be fulfilled in serving each other. Covenant means giving relentlessly and unconditionally. I would be robbing Brian of a huge blessing by not allowing him to serve me. We were made for relationship! Giving and giving and giving, but also receiving. We cannot give what we cannot receive. The Bible says that we love only because God first loved us. I feel that way about Brian. He loves the love out of me!
So it is in my relationship with Jesus. He knows my heart is to love and serve Him. And now, He is showing me how He loves to see my longings fulfilled. He's after my heart; many other things (obviously within His truth) can be negotiated. There are certainly times when obedience is the mandate and it is usually clear to my spirit even if my flesh wants to fight it. But I believe "free will" is not just about choosing between "right and wrong", but sometimes between "right and right." It was meant to be a gift to us from a loving Father!
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