Choices

I did a foolish thing last night. After doing some after-bedtime grocery shopping in preparation for making applesauce today, I slowly made my way over to the coffee shop at Wegmans to treat myself to a decaf. latte. After coming home and unpacking, I began my pursuit to clear off the dining room table which required organization of some of last year's school stuff(it's a long story). Anyway, about 9:30 or so, I started to feel a second wind coming on. I knew I should really be dragging worse than I was at the store. Suddenly it dawned on me....I forgot to ask for decaf!!!!! Augh! I am pretty caffeine sensitive. So I just decided to cash in on this quiet time to get some things done. After working on our business for awhile, organizing the school papers and doing a few other misc. tasks, I decided to at least try to lay down and sleep. By now it was past 11pm. So I laid there and, you guessed it, I wrote another post in my head. But to my surprise, I did fall asleep relatively quickly. Now I'm up too early with the boys so here's my chance....how was that for an intro?

Let me preface all that is to come by saying that my children are WONDERFUL. They are amazingly, powerful little creations who really make parenting a joy....most of the time, well, lately it's more like just a lot of the time. There seems to be an infiltration of disrespect and dishonor in our house lately. Hmm, just had a thought, is this possibly due to our influence as parents? Have Brian and I been more unloving lately? I'll have to talk to Jesus about that thought....later.

Anyway, this disrespect has played itself out in the form of yelling, nasty talk, dirty looks and just general meanness. It has truly thrown me for a loop since my children have never shown this type of behavior with such intensity and frequency. It's primarily the girls, although the boys are picking up on bits and pieces. But the girls are aiming this ugliness towards each other and us, their parents! Now, in the past, we would have come down with the hammer to attempt to control this behavior. You know, fear tactics, "do this or else...", bullying methods, etc. But since we have learned that truly we cannot control our children (nor should we try), it has taken our parenting to a whole new level of challenge.

In the moment of conflict (or sometimes a bit later to let the steam subside), we help them identity the "mess" they have made with whomever the victim is in the moment. They have learned that when they can recognize the mess, it is their responsibility to "clean it up", with sincerity. This has been a pretty effective approach (thanks, Danny Silk). It helps them identify disconnected relationship and causes them to evaluate why disconnection is not cool. They are learning to choose love.....hopefully. However, lately it seems that these incidences are so frequent and recurring, I wonder if they are really having a heart change...

Anyway, I realized in bed last night, I suppose it is much better for them to learn to choose the way of love, honor and respect at this age than to try to control them as toddlers/children only to have them realize as pre-teens that truly they cannot be controlled. By that point, time would not be on our side for building true, covenant relationship and teaching the value of choosing love.

But, man, this has not been fun. Being pregnant (thus hormonal and exhausted much of the time) has not been helpful to me in having grace for their immaturity. Truly, if God can see us in our immaturity and not count it as rebellion, than I need to have the same perspective of my children. It's sure been a challenge for me to have that kind of understanding love. Yet I know it's that love that will win their affections for life! My heart is hurt. I feel disrespected, unappreciated and undefended. I have found myself being on the defensive much of the time. Lately, it is even hard to just be with the girls at times. Just being honest. It wears on me.

I love my children deeply. They are each so unique, so special. They make me laugh. They teach me sooo much about Jesus and the kingdom! The Lord has such great things in store for them in the years to come as well as today! Jesus, give me grace to love them right in this place of immaturity knowing that you constantly show me that same love and grace. I wouldn't trade this calling for anything!